Taking a break

As some of you may have noticed, I have been taking a break from the blogsphere lately. The war is slowly coming to a close, and I think I have found my new apprentice. He’s a bit of a hot head, but he’s got skills.

Some of you know him as ‘Young Skywalker’ or even ‘Ani’ to his closet friends, but he’s just Anakin to me. Under my indirect guidance as his mentor these past few years, I have come to know him well. And since Dooku managed to mess up and lop off one of his forearms, I know that Anakin will also be the method with which I will dispose of my ‘old’ apprentice.

So I have been busy hatching a plan to get Dooku out of the way and to put Anakin at my side.

Now…if I could just find my lightsaber…

Upgrading the system

The Senate has a new computer system that is used to track the myriad of bills and other legislation that is currently under review, or ready to vote. The current system has been in place since the first Sith empire, or at least it seems that way sometimes.

It’s slow.

It’s doesn’t have a search capability

It doesn’t support attachments, so you can’t send pieces of a bill to fellow senators.

Basically… it sucks.

So we formed a committee and selected a new system from SiebalceSoft that will supposedly solve all our problems. It’s fast; It’s Holoweb based so Senators can work from home; It’s open standard, so I can have my sith apprentice hackers break in to make changes without tracing it back to me; It’s great!

Except for one tiny detail.

It doesn’t work.

After going way over budget, spending billions of credits on hardware upgrades, software licenses, training, and consultants that could make an evil Sith lord proud, the stupid thing won’t work.

After months of delay, excuses, and the occasional foray into begging for more time, I finally got fed up and sent Dooku to see the president of SiebacleSoft, Harry Ellison. My plan was to put the fear of the Sith into him, but alas my plans went awry.

Dooku came back from this assignment with a long face, eyes downcast, and shoulders slumped.

“Lord Tyrannus, you do not look pleased?” I inquired.

“Sorry, my master, but I could not get in to see the Mr. Ellison today.”

“You are a powerful Sith lord, trained in the unnatural ways of the dark side of the force. What could have possibly stopped you?”

“Mr. Ellison’s personal assistant…Fran.”

“Fran? Fran from the Jedi Temple receptionists desk?”

“Yes, my master.”

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I have REALLY got to get a new apprentice.

Construction Update

TOP SECRET

EYES ONLY

From: Construction Supervisor, Patrick O’ Reilly
To: Supreme Chancellor Palpatine (a.k.a. Darth Sidious)

Re: Project ‘Giant Bowling Ball’

My Lord,

I regret to inform you that there has been another delay on the super secret project ‘Giant Bowling Ball’.

Yesterday, one of the slaves…er, uh, workers, found a spider like insectoid just off one of the loading platforms. We are not sure where it came from, it must have stowed away on one of the incoming transports.

No one seemed to mind the spider, except for Count Dooku. When he stumbled across the spider’s web, he completely freaked out and started screaming like a girly-man.

After that, all of the staff left claiming that the screaming was giving them a headache, and was covered in their union contract under ‘unsafe working conditions’.

Sir, he is really beginning to hold up progress and I would like to request that he be transferred off the station.

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I have really got to get a new apprentice…

Sneaking around

One of the many things I like to do in my free time is to sneak over to the Jedi Temple and see what’s going on over there.

Sometimes I get a little more information that I was expecting, like this trip I made a while ago.

Other times, I get stuck at the reception desk when it is staffed by Fran, the evil telephone operator.

So I decided to don my standard issue Sith Lord cloak and sneak into the temple this week to see what was up.

At first, I found nothing unusual.

Kenobi was in the common room watching wrestling on the Holovid, his head surrounded by a cloud of orange Cheeto dust. He even had on his wrestling uniform complete with a nylon cape and mask. At one point he jumped up on the couch and proceeded to body slam the pillows.

Harvey the youngling was playing X-Box 720 with Young Skywalker, and evidently winning at Halo 9 - The Master Chief takes cooking lessons.

Master Yoda was in his room with the door closed, but I could distinctly hear him singing along to the sound of Dolly Parton.

“Again, here you come
About to make it work without you, I am
Right in the door, you waltz
Before, just like you done…”

How he manages to mess up the lyrics, I do not know.

I also stumbled upon Master Windu shining his head in the mirror. As I watched him examine every inch of his bald head for what seemed like an eternity, I had an idea.

With a wave of my hand, I put a thought into his head that his newest bottle of moisturizer had been all used up by Young Skywalker.

“What the!?!” he exclaimed, and stormed off to the common room. As he walked away, I could hear him yelling, “Anakin, why did you use my bottle of Extra Super soft cocoa butter lotion again?!?”

“What, yo? I didn’t touch none of yo shizzle!”

I quickly sneaked into Windu’s bathroom after he left. I glanced into the shower and attempted to pick out his shower gel from the plethora of products lined up on the shelf. I quickly removed the top and put in some blue coloring powder I bought at the Jawa Joke Shop a few days ago. I had originally planned to put it in Dooku’s shampoo, so he could truly become a ‘blue hair’, but this would work out much better… Bwwahahahahahaha!

The next day we had a meeting in my office with the senior members of the Jedi Council, and Master Windu was in true form…..

I could hardly contain my laughter!

Publishing

As many of you know, I am considered to be the repository of knowledge regarding the Dark Side of the Force. Even Master Yoda concedes that I am more powerful than even he can imagine.

Of course he’s on the light side…and the dark side clouds everything, so he may just need glasses or something.

In any case, being the all powerful Sith lord that I am, I was approached by a well known publishing house, Stass & Schiester, to publish a definitive text on the Dark Side.

Given that it would be directed at not only force users, but also the common species of the galaxy, they suggested a title to appeal to the masses:

Previously on Darth Sidious' Blog

Since Master Yoda believes in recycling old material, I thought I would follow suit.

After all...I'm a busy guy. I have the war against the separatists to manage, plus I secretly run the separtist army through my apprentice, Dooku. I also have to run Sith, Inc and all it's subsidiaries, and I haven't done my laundry in ages.

Anyway, here is a previous post that you can enjoy...Q&A with the Dark Lord

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Some excerpts from the recent Town Hall meeting

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Wedge Antillies said...
Q: Where ya been? I know many of us had a holiday break, but I didn't realize government officials got so much time off. Maybe I'll run for the senate after I retire from the space force.

And another question, is it the dark side of the force that turns your skin all blueish like that? Man, both you and Vader should go see a dermatologist, or at least have Mary Kay come for a visit.

A: In general, government officials get about 20 weeks of vacation/holiday time off each year, but we have to use it all up or lose it. I've been on a 'working' holiday at my ranch on Tatooine, clearing brush, sitting on the porch drinking iced tea, planning my eventual takeover of the galaxy…you know, taking some 'me' time.

As far as your question about skin care, we Sith lords do seem to have some problem with premature aging. The dark side does have some effect, but it's mostly lack of proper moisturizer. Perhaps I should consult with Master Windu for some skin care tips?

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Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...
Q: Uhh, I'm with Wedge, I want more time off too. And Wedge, I have this feeling you'll stick with your job long enough to make General, but it's just a hunch.

My question is this; where did the speedo obsession come from? Did you grow up in a place where all the guys wore them? Did you discover them by accident in the back of a sporting goods store?

A: Speedo obsession? I would hardly call it an obsession...perhaps a passing interest, but not an obsession.

Where I come from, when you are going to the beach you either wear the banana hammock...or nothing at all.

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Revan said...
Q: Wear do babies come from? Has there ever been a girl Sith. I mean, come on, It's like Sith are all sexists and junk.

A: Master Yoda recently covered the topic of where babies come from, perhaps you should review it here.

In answer to your other question, yes there have been some female Sith. After all, how would we 'go forth and multiply'?

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Jabafatboy said...
Q: Where do you get your Speedo’s? Speedo's ‘R’ us!! Maybe you should have EVERYONE in the navy wear them !!

A: Mostly I get them on the holonet at Speedo.com, but I have recently begun negotiations to buy them out through my Sith, Inc. holding company.

As far as having the Imperial Navy wear them...how do you know that they don't have to wear them under their uniforms? Besides, haven't you ever seen the navy cadets in a water polo match?

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Master Yoda said...
Q: Keep going up, why do the Republic Postage rates? No good now, my commemorative Elvis stamps are!

A: The recent rate increase - the first since 2002 - is needed to fulfill the requirement of a galactic law passed in 2003. That law requires the Republic Postal Service to establish a 3.1 billion credit escrow account, with use of the funds to be determined by the senate at a later date. Without this mandate, it would not have been necessary to raise rates.

In other words, “It’s not my fault!”…I suggest that you use two Elvis stamps instead of one.

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Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...
Q: Remember that poster that said "Wouldn't it be great of all the schools had all the money they needed for books and the Imperial Navy needed to hold a bake sale to buy a gunship?" Didn't that just make you scream?

A: Yes, I do remember that poster. I have asked General Grevious to hunt down the people that produced that poster and banish them to lava duty on Mustafar.

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JawaJuice said…
Q: So okay, Order 66 wipes out the Jedi. What was order 65? Just wondering.

A: Order 65 was to fly to Uranus and wipe out the Klingons.

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Anakin Skywalker said...
Q: How can I get my slaughter on without Master Y an all them gettin up in my grill?

A: Patience my dear boy...Patience.

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Fluke Starbucker said...
Q: If you went camping alone with a Wookie, got drunk, passed out, and woke up the next morning with no memory of the night before and fur in your teeth and your speedos, would you tell anybody? Chewie wants to know, but I don't know why he didn't just ask you himself.

A: Fluke....uh....um....you need help.

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Private Hudson said...
Q: Chancellor, you used this Jango guy as your base for your clone army. If you really wanted an unstoppable legion of super troopers, why didn't you clone me? It would be game over for the Separatists, man. Game over.

A: We actually interviewed you for the job (you don't remember since we had your memory wiped afterward), but the test clones kept freaking out at the slightest sign of trouble. They kept yelling "Game Over, man! Game over!". Needless to say they were overloading the com system so we had to 'wipe them out....all of them'.

Construction Nightmare

TOP SECRET

EYES ONLY

From: Construction Supervisor, Patrick O’ Reilly
To: Supreme Chancellor Palpatine (a.k.a. Darth Sidious)

Re: Project ‘Oreo Moon’

My Lord,

I regret to inform you that the project has been delayed again and the installation of the access door on Level 22A, Sector Z32, Sub-Sector 9-FT, Lobby Q was put into the wrong wall.

Apparently, there was some confusion as to where the door was to be placed. The sector supervisor, Miss Polly, who was assigned to notify the team of the placement of the door....er, um…fell asleep.

According to reports, Polly had asked another service person stationed in that sector, a food server named Manuel, to awaken her when the construction team arrived. However, Manuel decided at the last minute that his foreign language skills had progressed to a level where he could handle the job, and decided not to awaken Miss Polly.

As Manuel was from Planet Barcelona, he was not able to properly describe the work to be accomplished. The workmen arrived at the designated time, only 75 standard minutes late, and asked Manuel what was to be done. He described to them that they should ‘fix door’. The team was confused, but when on to close up the door to the dining area, replacing it with a nice wallpaper.

This of course resulted in the dining area being completely closed off, with no access at all. When meal break time for all construction personnel in sector Z32 came, there was chaos, and a strike ensued. The strike was quickly put down by Clone troopers stationed in that sector, but there were no construction workers left to work...after they were all ejected out an airlock.

The ‘Oreo Moon’ project has been delayed another 6 months until we can get new slav.., um, sorry…workers in that sector.

Also, the crew has requested that we rename the project to something more, shall we say, nefarious? Perhaps 'Death Star'?